I do not have a headache today!
I do not have a headache.
This is a sentence I usually get to say one or two days a year. But this is the third time in a week my pain has been gone when I wake up in the morning, and still hasn't shown up.
I can usually say "it's not too bad" or "I took something that's kind of helping" or "it's bad but I don't care." But this absence of pain is just a very foreign concept, like my loose tooth fell out. It was annoying while it was there, but now that it's gone there's a weird hole that's just as distracting as the wiggly tooth.
I'm scared to move, or not move, eat or not eat, sleep or not sleep, because I don't want to rock the boat and bring the pain hurtling back, but I have no idea why it's gone. There are many many things that exacerbate the headache, and some things that seem to make it somewhat better, so after 18 years of doctors and tests and med adjustments, I do have some semblance of control over the issue through meds and massage and trigger avoidance, but usually I hurt, and there's not really a reason, and sometimes it is excruciating, and there is still no reason. I'm used to it, I've learned a lot from it, and I would not be who I am today without it. But on anomalous days like today, I get very confused. I should hurt, everything that has been making me hurt for the last 2 days and 2 weeks and 2 months and 20 years is still here... some sort of dysfunction between my muscles and nerves and blood vessels and who knows what else... It's cold today and the weather's changing, which is a huge trigger, I took a practice test for boards, trigger... quit taking the meds that were working for awhile and then I didn't think were anymore, neck's still stiff and sore and I have knots all over...
The only thing that has happened was 2 weeks ago in women's group we talked about prayer and I was convicted about not praying for relief, so I asked for prayer. I hate doing that, because I generally feel like I am a pretty discouraging person to pray for. Growing up, I hated when people would come up to me and tell me they had been praying and ask if it was any better, since my response was usually always "Thank you, but honestly I am pretty much miserable." Not really one of those faith-building stories. When I was 12, a pediatric neurologist at Mayo told me it would be likely I would be dealing with this for the rest of my life, but that I could maybe get to a more manageable level. He gave me lots of different drugs with terrible side effects and kept talking about "6 headache-free months" to break the pain cycle. I liked that guy, but when he sent me to a headache specialist 4 years later we sure hadn't gotten to any 6 months. And that specialist turfed me to a pain management clinic after about 3 visits- I think he could tell I wasn't going to do his reputation as one of the top headache docs in the US any favors.
I've also struggled with if I should pray or not- maybe I'm just supposed to have this and once I accept it, I can better learn from it. After a lot of years of depression and desperation and anger, I've been shown that God's grace overcomes my small trials, and that life is not actually about being comfortable. I love my life, and am thankful for it, especially because for years I struggled whether or not it was even worth living in constant pain. I've found I enjoy life so much more when I'm not concerned about what I think it should be like. It's easier to give your life to God when you don't really want to live it by yourself. And on days like today I am reminded that my joy isn't tied to comfort at all- I am no more loved or at peace without pain than with pain. However, I am thankful for brief answers to prayer.... although thinking this through has definitely brought back the familiar ache (: Either way, I will continue to pray about this, and am thankful for the billions of other things that I have been blessed with out of God's grace.
