So this morning I was reading and it occurred to me, as I'm sure it has occurred to many before; I'm sure something pointing this out is in the Bible somewhere, but Jesus never brags about things he has done, or will do, to convince people to listen to him. The only thing he usually mentions is that he is God's son. Heresy to his crowd but so inspiring to me. Because none of us are going to heal the blind with words, or raise Lazarus, but because of Jesus we can all claim to be children of God. And if Jesus didn't need to claim his actions, only his Father, why do I think people need to know my accomplishments

Trayvon Martin was Made For God's Glory

I love the post-grad life. I now have a schedule that is mostly dictated by what I decide is important, not a syllabus, and includes things like sleeping and eating meals that are not Cheezits. Also, even though Ben and I have been married 5 years, we almost feel like newlyweds because our home-lives aren't dominated by homework. We've gone to more movies together in the last 6 months than the last 6 years (3) and are working on the Newlywed Nine lbs we never had time for before. Students are selfish. You have to be, or you won't get anything done. I tried to keep track of what was going on in the world, but whole semesters could go by where I couldn't keep my elections,trials and national disasters straight. So I really don't know if the world is getting that much worse or if I just have my head more consistently out of the Student Sandbox. I've had theories about some of these things: there has ALWAYS been gross social injustice everywhere, we just didn't have the Internet telling us about it. And the dinosaurs can attest that climate change has always been a problem. But the thing that impresses me most about the news today is how divisive it is. Facebook and Twitter are dangerous places! Disturbed about what the DOMA overturn means for the future of marriage? You're homophobic and a hater. Think Zimmerman should have been locked up? You're blinded by your racial bias. Sometimes I barely read a news article, just skip to comments (I know other people do too because there's a button for it!) We idolize our own points of view, and we are always right. Ben shared with me something God has been teaching him, a lens to see that ridiculous person that makes you exclaim "Some people" through. It made sense when he said it but I felt it when I checked my Twitter at about 2am this morning... We were watching Les Mis with the Vapor interns (who are awesome) but I got really distracted by the Zimmerman trial and the news of the death of Cory Monteith. I watched Glee every once in awhile but got depressed because it was so trashy and aimed at such a young audience. Haven't really followed too much, but based on random tabloid sightings my line of thought was progressing to the disgusting level that thoughts will fall to with more attention to tabloid than Bible... Something along the lines of "he spent his life creating smut and going to rehab, maybe he deserved it." It so sickens me to even write that I thought that. But I know our heads are all filled with similar condemnations! And yes, we do all deserve the same death, alone and hopeless, even though our lives may seem full. But the fact that we all deserve it seriously undercuts our right to speak those words over anyone else. The fact is, as far as I'm concerned, Cory Monteith was created by God for his glory. George Zimmerman's voice could join Trayvon Martin's in a chorus of Holy ,Holy, Holy. Trayvon's girlfriend says she didn't know calling someone a "creepy-ass cracker" is a problem? Withhold your judgmental comments, you can praise Jesus in Ebonics; I hear it all the time. I'm not saying Christians do not need to stand up for what they believe in. But I think sometimes it is really worth asking ourselves why we stand up for what we believe in. Is it to prove something? About how great we are? Do we long for the oppression of the early Church and find it by making people hate us? We are not oppressed in the US. Tolerance is the soup du jour, other than from most Christians. Was Jesus tolerant of sin? No. He died because of our sin. He takes it seriously and so should we. But how much more did he focus on love? When you love someone, you will try to help them see the light. But so much of the well-intentioned differences of opinion that I see cannot be based in love. If I am sitting around (on my creepy cracker-ass) judging you instead of belaboring over how to encourage your glorification of God, shame on me.

Will Work For Food

I haven't posted in a long time again, I guess. Since graduation, I have reacquainted myself with the world of social media. I remembered I had a Twitter, I consistently check Facebook, I started using my Instagram... (even tried Pinterest but that didn't go well at all, I don't need more ideas in my head, I need less ideas and more time!) David Platt said one time that Christians used to think slavery was fine, and he wonders what future Christians will be appalled that we tolerate in our lives. I've been trying to figure out if it's social media, and I figure the best way to do that is waste a lot of time on social media. However, I still don't know. For me, social media is also a wonderful way to keep in contact with my dear friends and family far away.
When Ben and I were engaged and not sure how God was going to use his business and my nursing educations, he wrestled with "You want to go be a missionary, should I quit business school?" We really prayed a lot about being willing to go and do whatever on Earth God wanted us to do. Had I known that was going to involve living in a county with a total population of less than the (I thought small town) I grew up in, next to a lot of cows and a nice farmer named (no joke) Joe-Tom (we moved again last month)... I may have tried to be a little more specific with God. I don't even know what the population of Alpine is, it's not on any sign or the internet. I do know we have a one-room post office and cafe of sorts where you are served whatever they are cooking. No gas station or anything fancy like that. Sometimes people say oh, it's one of those blink-and-you'll-miss-it towns? But you could miss it with your eyes wide open. Anyway, I love it here, but I think I will not give up my media. There certainly are many, many pitfalls and shortcomings. Several of my friends here don't use it and I think that's great. And I'm trying to be more intentional. But I have just been struck by how much social media feeds into our narcissistic, individualist culture. It's almost like we are each creating a brand for ourselves, that has to be conceived, developed, and maintained. So much work! And what a dumb hobby, compared with other times in civilization... "I'm a painter... I'm a philosopher... I'm a writer..." Those things still happen now but I feel like our passions and talents are really diluted. "I go to work, but really I like to tweet about things that annoy me." I know this is a think because it happens to me. I used to sit and read or paint or journal for hours on end but now I really have quite a self-induced ADHD where I habitually text and whatnot on my phone! Since I started writing this post, I've answered one call, two texts, sent two others, checked my Instagram and been reminded about how much fun my cousins are having without me, and checked my Facebook (awww, no new notifications). Our brains were designed to lose themselves in work, experiencing flow is completely necessary to a healthy mental state. No wonder we get so stressed! There's no rest for the weary. When I am seeing patients, I do find that I don't have any trouble focusing on anything else, don't worry about that, it's just my entertainment and diversions get in the way of actual relaxation! I'm working on this, pray for me ;)
 Anyway since Easter is the best blessing ever, I wanted to chronicle how I was blessed on Easter Sunday. I was kind of depressed, because I had been looking forward to some fun plans that all got canceled, and now I was sick with no plans other than hanging out with Ben. Which I love to do, but because of all the work we've had to do on the house we've been doing a lot of this for awhile. Anyway Easter and Valentine's Day are my two favorite holidays, because God is love and his love is manifest in Christ's death on the cross! We should not need anymore celebration than this, but to me it was sad to be just the two of us after church that day, and I had been praying for peace in my heart and direction from the Spirit. We decided to stop at Walmart to get the Hobbit, because neither of us had seen it yet, and then get Zaxby's to warm up with the other food we were planning to make. There's usually someone on the corner of the Walmart intersection, either selling something, advertising something, or panhandling, and I always ignore them, because I get really overwhelmed by all the different issues involved in panhandling. I want to help alleviate homelessness, but I don't think that's the way to do it. But this guy had a sign asking for work. I wasn't even sure if Ben saw him, but in the drive through he asked me what I was thinking about. I wanted him so badly to ask if we could pick the guy up, because I usually have ideas like that and he usually has a more realistic approach to things, so I just asked him what he was thinking about. He said the guy, and that he wanted to do something for him. We couldn't really think of anything off-hand, even though the house still has a lot of random things to be down on it. So we asked him, and he said he'd been in construction, painted, lots of things. I HATE PAINTING. And I'm bad at it. I've had two gallons of 2146-40 Dry Sage staring me in the face for a month. Their mere presence was stressing me out. The previous owners turned the garage into a living room, and it's huge! So we piled him into the truck and he talked the whole way to the house, where he did a wonderful job, and we dropped him off that night at his daughter's house (I wondered why he didn't live with her until we found out how many people were already in a tiny space). His story seemed pretty typical, nice guy in his 60's who had worked his whole life, lost his savings through some bad marriages, injured doing his job and trying to get on disability, been homeless since his last wife and her crack-addicted daughter kicked him out a few months ago. He said he struggled a lot with loneliness and seemed to enjoy talking to us and praying with us. He was funny too; after he finished he looked at me and said "Well, you just had your living room painted by a homeless guy" in a way that implied 'bet you weren't expecting that this morning.' And I really wasn't, which is why I love being filled with the Holy Spirit! God's mercies are new every morning, and he is waiting to turn our disappointment at life's inconsequential happenings into reminders that he is much bigger than that. As if the fact that God saved my wretched soul could really leave me room to be disappointed, he sent along a fellow who needed a job and some company to do something I'm too lazy too do... I certainly don't understand that, and I'm glad God is beyond my understanding! Now I need to go get more Kleenex and some wallpaper for the last side of the living room (:

Thank You For Praying

I do not have a headache today.
I do not have a headache today!
I do not have a headache.

This is a sentence I usually get to say one or two days a year. But this is the third time in a week my pain has been gone when I wake up in the morning, and still hasn't shown up.

I can usually say "it's not too bad" or "I took something that's kind of helping" or "it's bad but I don't care." But this absence of pain is just a very foreign concept, like my loose tooth fell out. It was annoying while it was there, but now that it's gone there's a weird hole that's just as distracting as the wiggly tooth.

I'm scared to move, or not move, eat or not eat, sleep or not sleep, because I don't want to rock the boat and bring the pain hurtling back, but I have no idea why it's gone. There are many many things that exacerbate the headache, and some things that seem to make it somewhat better, so after 18 years of doctors and tests and med adjustments, I do have some semblance of control over the issue through meds and massage and trigger avoidance, but usually I hurt, and there's not really a reason, and sometimes it is excruciating, and there is still no reason. I'm used to it, I've learned a lot from it, and I would not be who I am today without it. But on anomalous days like today, I get very confused. I should hurt, everything that has been making me hurt for the last 2 days and 2 weeks and 2 months and 20 years is still here... some sort of dysfunction between my muscles and nerves and blood vessels and who knows what else... It's cold today and the weather's changing, which is a huge trigger, I took a practice test for boards, trigger... quit taking the meds that were working for awhile and then I didn't think were anymore, neck's still stiff and sore and I have knots all over...

The only thing that has happened was 2 weeks ago in women's group we talked about prayer and I was convicted about not praying for relief, so I asked for prayer. I hate doing that, because I generally feel like I am a pretty discouraging person to pray for. Growing up, I hated when people would come up to me and tell me they had been praying and ask if it was any better, since my response was usually always "Thank you, but honestly I am pretty much miserable." Not really one of those faith-building stories. When I was 12, a pediatric neurologist at Mayo told me it would be likely I would be dealing with this for the rest of my life, but that I could maybe get to a more manageable level. He gave me lots of different drugs with terrible side effects and kept talking about "6 headache-free months" to break the pain cycle. I liked that guy, but when he sent me to a headache specialist 4 years later we sure hadn't gotten to any 6 months. And that specialist turfed me to a pain management clinic after about 3 visits- I think he could tell I wasn't going to do his reputation as one of the top headache docs in the US any favors.

I've also struggled with if I should pray or not- maybe I'm just supposed to have this and once I accept it, I can better learn from it. After a lot of years of depression and desperation and anger, I've been shown that God's grace overcomes my small trials, and that life is not actually about being comfortable. I love my life, and am thankful for it, especially because for years I struggled whether or not it was even worth living in constant pain. I've found I enjoy life so much more when I'm not concerned about what I think it should be like. It's easier to give your life to God when you don't really want to live it by yourself. And on days like today I am reminded that my joy isn't tied to comfort at all- I am no more loved or at peace without pain than with pain. However, I am thankful for brief answers to prayer.... although thinking this through has definitely brought back the familiar ache (: Either way, I will continue to pray about this, and am thankful for the billions of other things that I have been blessed with out of God's grace.

Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape

It's been one of those times when I've been reminded that the lessons I am currently learning are lessons I have already learned, multiple times. Things like: If you don't trust God, all the time, with everything, bad things will happen. Duh, I know that. But apparently not.

I love Underoath... Too Bright to See, Too Loud to Hear

Here are the lyrics:

Good God, if Your song leaves our lips  

If Your work leaves our hands  

Then we will be wanderers and vagabonds  

They will stare and say how empty we are  

How the freedom we had turned us up as dead men
Let us be cold, make us weak 

Let us because we all have ears  

Let us because we all have eyes  

Good God
How they knew that this would happen? 

They knew, they knew that this would  

(We’re so run down)  

How they knew that this would happen?  

Good God, can You still get us home?

Good God, can You still get us home?

How can we still get home? (I’m not dreaming) How can we still get home? 
 

We’re forgetting our forgiveness

I think there is also a huge temptation to fix yourself before coming to God. While we are called in Romans 12 to present ourselves to God as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable, we aren't getting there by ourselves, and if we try to get there before we go to God, we are missing the point of his grace through Jesus. Judging from the Old Testament (haha Judges, get it), I'm not the first person to struggle with being an epically slow learner. The Children of Israel were kind of disastrous too.

I've never understood why God wants to save people that he knows are going to turn away, sin, and break his heart. But if I could understand God, he wouldn't be that awesome, because I barely understand how a TV works. So now I am trying to remember the challenge of Hebrews 2:3- "How shall we escape if we neglect so great a salvation?" The point is not why God has offered salvation, but that he has, and this necessitates a response, not out of obligation but joy.

This Underoath song has been one of my favorites for the last 6-7 years... and the Passion of the Christ video with it is pretty much amazing.
 
Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape 

 I heard a voice through the discord
Of a deluge of passersby.
I saw one gaze frozen in time
Watching me passing by.
I swear I'll know your face in the crowd,
And I'll hear your voice so loud
When you're whispering...
Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger.
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another.
Here's my kiss to betray
Desperate to brush the lips of grace.
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied?
Oh sweet angel of mercy with your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me.
Oh sweet angel of mercy with your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me.
Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger.
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another.
Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger.
Hey unloving, I will love you,
I will love you, I will love you.
Hey unloving
I will love you

Jesus I'm ready to come home.

The Other Side of the Tract

So, I had an interesting experience that I can't remember having before... Katrina and I were in the Japanese food store that we go to every time I'm in Nashville, after partaking in the some of most wonderful sushi there is at the adjoining restaurant.
We waited for the saleslady to finish what she was doing, and after she'd rung up my tofu, brown rice, and chili oil, she happily gave us each a book. She didn't seem to speak much English, but she was so excited to share this with us, and pointed out that her email address was in the front cover. She indicated that we should email her, and sent us on our way. The title of the book is "As a Peace-Loving Global Citizen", and is the biography of Rev. Sun Myung Moon.
I've apparently been under a rock, because I'd never heard of him, or his massive following, the Unification Church. Haven't started the book yet, but based on what I've been able to read about the religion, it's an offshoot of Christianity that falls into cult territory. I agreed with all of the stated beliefs of the church, which started in South Korea, but apparently Rev. Moon's followers believe he is the Messiah... which sounds like a problem to me.
Anyway, I fully intend to read the book, just so I can email the sweet lady back (although I sure can't type in Korean, or Japanese, and I don't even know which language she speaks...), but what really struck me was that I think that this was the first time I've had someone spontaneously share their faith with me like that. I'm usually more into building relationships than handing out tracts, but her enthusiasm and joy in sharing with us really struck me, and I honestly think that if I was in a situation where I was seeking spirituality from no particular source, as so many people are, I would really have been quite drawn to what she gave me.

Floating

In less than a week I will be finished with clinicals in Tuscaloosa... then in May we are moving to Sylacauga, AL for just 280 more clinical hours before I graduate and am eligible to sit for boards to diagnose people and prescribe medications. I don't know about anyone else, but personally this makes me quite nervous. I don't feel like I know anywhere close to enough to be responsible for anyone's medical care. Also, I haven't taught a kid to swim for months, and I really miss it. I've been teaching kids to swim since long before I was old enough to take the classes, and it is oddly enough a very spiritual experience.
My passion is bringing a child to the first moment they are able to float by themselves; their first time being independent in the water. Before a person can swim, they need to be able to float. But floating can be quite frightening. You have to lie flat in the water, which means it gets in your ears, and you feel like you're going to sink. My kids don't sink, because I hold them up until I know they won't go under (unless they really want me to let go because they are so sure they can do it themselves... then they quickly see they can't, I fish them out and we move on), but it can take a long, long time before someone trusts the water enough to float. If a kid is scared, their muscle tension and trying to hold themselves up by sheer willpower will make them sink. If they aren't scared at all and are over-confident, they usually end up arching their backs so much their face goes under. The kids who do the best are the ones who do what I tell them to do, and don't really worry about it too much beyond that. Huh, how 'bout that.
The phrase "Let go and let God" bothers me because I think it offers an excuse to deny opportunity and forgo responsibility. Or to admit you can do nothing, but allow yourself to be consumed with worry. In some cases, the harder you work, the worse things get.
Humility is similar... the more you work on your humility, the more self-absorbed you become. Habitual, addictive sin? You're either focusing on the sin, or focusing on not sinning. Either way, your focus isn't on God. Our problems are so much smaller than God's solutions, and the Enemy would much rather have us trying to hold ourselves up, being so close, just trying so hard to get there, than giving all of ourselves to God and being free to float, swim, and do whatever He wants us to do. I applied to go back to school because I had prayed and fasted intensely, sought counsel, and I guess it is a little ridiculous to then question all the details...